Bullies who lie: Part 2

You can read Part 1 of Bullies who lie here: https://tinyurl.com/Bullies-who-lie-Part-1

Why does someone bully others?  I have come across those who bully because they need a weaker victim to make them feel better about themselves; those who have a particular vision for a church, school or other institution and want to get rid of anyone who is not totally on board; those who feel threatened by negative comments or criticism and those who feel a threat to their power in whatever leadership role that they have. (Some people may not be bullies at all but are perceived as such because of their tone of voice or other behaviours.)

Some of these can be dealt with through the usual disciplinary channels and codes of conduct. Although they bully, these people may not be unreasonable.  They do not lie.

But if you think that your experience is one of a bully who lies what can you do?  These suggestions are based on my own experience but also on the experiences of others who have shared their stories with me. They are suggestions only as everything depends on context.

• Minimise contact as much as possible. Trying to engage with them will get you nowhere as they are not open to reason. Save your energy.
• Never meet them alone. Also do not meet them if they bring along one of their supporters. I have met usually rational people who are prepared to assert that purple is orange with khaki spots because of their relationship with the bully who lies. 
• Make sure when you do meet them that you have a trusted neutral observer. This doesn’t, in my experience, stop them lying but it does mean that you have support, and that other people may begin to realise that there is a problem. 
•  Talk to trusted friends and anyone who might be experiencing the same problem. The bully who lies will consider this as “breaking confidentiality” and “gossip”. Ignore this.  Do not offer confidentiality. The bully who lies is enabled by people not talking to each other.  (I sometimes think that they do not realise that people exist when they are not in their presence.  Does it never occur to them that people talk to each other all the time?) You do not have to tell the world; you do need to be able to talk to people you trust.
• Keep your distance from their keenest supporters.  Do not engage with them on anything more controversial than the weather (though that has become more controversial recently!) Expect that everything you say and do will be reported back and used against you.
• Keep emails (and similar) brief and on point. I have tried in the past to explain things in email; I wouldn’t now, it just offered more ammunition.
• Talk to senior clergy. I think this is worth doing whether you are clergy or laity. They may not be able change things, but they may be able to establish boundaries – for example there is a limit to the amount of influence someone should have in the local school, the local care home, the Parish Council etc.  It also provides evidence – bullies who lie are unlikely to just bully you.  What about their next victim or victims? 
• Should you use the institutional structures? I haven’t got to grips with the new CDM but if I understand it correctly it does have different levels of complaint which could be useful. When the Code of Conduct for Laity comes into being, it may well be worth using it. The initial fall out may be great as the bully who lies demonises you around church and parish but what is left, even if only a tiny remnant, can be authentic and caring. What happens next is up to God.
• Where does God want you to use your gifts? (Laity) If, up till now, you have been using them in a church context, then perhaps he wants you to start using them elsewhere in the community. This needs prayer and discernment.
• Where does God want you to use your gifts? (Clergy). I’m not clergy so this is outside my experience. Perhaps moving is the best option, hard though it is to see the bully apparently win. Perhaps there are areas of church life that fit with your gifts where the bully is not involved.  I don’t know.
• Where and how does God want you to worship him?  (I’ve explored this here:  A story like Maria’s: What next?)
• Pray (if you can) for the bully who lies. It can be really hard to pray for someone who seems so toxic but they have not come out of nowhere. Why are they like this?  Some people seem to have so many personas that it can be hard to discern which, if any, is real. With others you may be aware of the damage that has been done to them as soon as you start praying for them. It can be hard to believe that God cares about them, but only he knows what is real.
• Avoid feeling responsible for the situation.  Recognise that what the bully is saying isn’t true. I think of myself as quite resilient, but I found this very difficult. I had a moment of sudden realisation that the person the bully was describing was not me. She had no redeeming qualities, everything about her was wrong if not actually evil. Not only was she not me but she was no one; she did not exist. She was a fantasy, the Wicked Fairy of pantomime. This was very liberating, and I stopped going round in circles trying to find reasons and explanations.   Counselling can be useful in giving you this kind of perspective, as can talking to friends.